The Lazy Man’s Guide to Goal Setting for the New Year

Did you wake up an hour earlier to do that run or forgo that cookie after dinner?

Yeah, me either.

The excitement and prospect of starting anew is so intoxicating…until it comes time to do it.

I went to the gym today – not because it was January 2nd, but because it was Wednesday. The parking lot was full. By now, we are all familiar with the peaks of gym memberships in January and then the nosedive for each subsequent month after that (with the exception of April/May when thoughts of summer give some of us a second wind).

I can’t speak for you but I know that history has taught me the hard way that the self-loathing associated with NOT following through with something far surpasses the excitement of “a new start”.

The good news is that this is where being present in the moment can really pay off. Rather than focusing on how much progress you are making toward your goals for a long period of time, this is a good way to give you a daily dose of encouragement and if it turns out to be a failure for the day (and there will always be days like that), you always have another one.

The question is how to do this without feeling like it’s half-assed and there’s no real commitment. Here’s a suggestion that seems to work for me: I have a list of 5 things with a goal of making sure I hit at least three of them each day. Truth is, I may only get to two of them but this way, it assures me that I am always keeping important things front and center.

So, I may have exercise, meditate, write, stretch and work on music as my 5 items. Each day, I try to work on at least 3. As I mentioned above, this can be challenging – especially with kids, work and other responsibilities (not to mention the unexpected water leak or blown tire) that can take priority. What it does for me, however, is ease up on the end goal (run a marathon, complete 15 pages of a script, finish recording the song) while not deflecting from the actions that will ultimately get me there.

It’s not ideal and I’ll probably never make it onto a Tim Ferris podcast but it works for me. Maybe because it is too discouraging to see how slow progress is any other way.

So, on this 2nd day of the New Year, if you’re already wondering if any of those ideas ruminating around your head may ever come to fruition – welcome to the lazy man’s goal setting for 2019. Good luck and let me know how it works out.

Until next time,

Marc

Comparisonville

At New Year’s Eve last night, we were asked to set our intention for this year – or something to that effect.

Once I got over the internal smart-ass voice in my head, I set an intention of being kinder to myself – something we all probably could all relate to in one way or another  – not beating ourselves up for every tiny little thing.

I wasn’t exactly sure how to do that or what it actually meant and then the universe stepped in today as I was trying to do a “simple” project of replacing a cartridge for a shower faucet. Let’s just say, I “successfully” replaced the cartridge and also, “successfully” caused some sort of leak, which I am still trying to rectify.

My initial thought was, of course, “man, you really can’t fix anything. You are the most unhandy person on the planet” but then in order to be kinder to myself, I challenged myself by asking if I really knew every single person on the planet. It turns out I don’t.

Upon a little more introspection, I dug further into where that even comes from in my brain and it comes from the same place where a lot of my insecurities emanate from – Comparisonville, just west of Storyland next to Anxiety Falls.

I compare myself constantly – even when I don’t realize it. I’m at the treadmill at the gym and only see the fit guys that I’ll never look like. It doesn’t matter that I’m old enough to be their dad.

I hear an awesome singer/songwriter and I know I will never get my voice good enough to record my music.

I go on Facebook and every comedian has a gig expect for me. (By the way, for those thinking of taking a trip to Comparisonville, Facebook is like Fastpass for Comparisonville – go directly to “I suck” and bypass everything else.)

So, my real intention for 2019 is to just be. It’s probably way harder than getting 6 pack abs, a recording contract or a killer gig but I know it’s worth it.  I also feel that by the time I progress with this intention, I could actually get the shower fixed.

Until next time, Marc

Marc’s “Considerations for 2019 if You Want To – Really, It’s Up To You – This Isn’t a Pressure Type of Thing” List

There are a lot of “wrap-up” reviews or “10 things you can do in the New year” type of lists so I am not going to pretend like I have anything more to add that might be valuable to anyone.

However, as a final post for 2018, I thought I would write 10 super easy things to consider in the New Year that might not change the world but maybe, in some small way, will help you feel better.

So here they are -Marc’s “Considerations for 2019 if You Want To – Really, It’s Up To You – This Isn’t a Pressure Type of Thing” List:

1. Listen to the Waking Up Podcast with Sam Harris. – I believe the name of the podcast is going to change soon but he is seriously one of the most intelligent people around and always makes a logical argument with guests for some of our most divisive issues. If you are like me and want progress but not at the expense of being so politically correct that everyone and their mother is eventually offended, he’s the guy for you.
2. See the movie Vice with Christian Bale. Not only is his performance uncanny and incredible but the movie is so well scripted, directed and acted that it is the top of my list for 2018. A serious movie that uses creativity and humor like well placed spices, it is not to be missed.
3. Read “Why Buddhism is True” by Robert Wright. Is this about becoming a Buddhist? Absolutely not but it breaks down the evolutionary chain of events that have brought us to the minds we have today in the name of survival and how perhaps not all these constructs might serve us anymore. A scientific look that is not difficult to understand or read.
4. See “Hearts Beat Loud” with Nic Offerman –  a touching father/daughter story with some cool music and characters that make you wish you could grab a drink with some day.
5. Watch the Good Place – a comedy series on NBC. Creative and well written, this is a unique take on life after death and always serves up laughter and some delicious surprises now and then. It will make you feel good.
6. Buy good socks. Man, what took me so long? I received a couple different pair from different people for gifts – and if you hike or hate the cold, what a difference a sock can make.
7. Try cloth napkins instead of paper. In addition to learning about the incredible waste and dangers of single use plastic (straws), cloth napkins remove the need for more wasteful paper napkins. But what about water and soap to clean them you might ask? True, but at least with me and my kids, we don’t wash them after each use.
8. Make a photo book for a loved one or good friend. Often overlooked, collecting photos and then weaving them into a gift book on a site like Snapfish is a great idea. My sister and I did one for my parents from their anniversary party and they loved it.
9. Write a letter- with a pen and paper – just one – to someone you haven’t been in touch with in a while. (Or if you really need to, send a letter in an email.) You’ll be surprised how much of a cathartic gift it is for you as much as for the person on the receiving end.
10. Plant something, anything. I planted a garden that I would give a C+ to. It didn’t churn out all the spices and veggies I had hoped but it felt so damn good and I plan to do it again this summer. Pick one thing – even just one plant and do it. It’s nice to be among something living (besides people and pets) once in a while that doesn’t require a password.

That’s it! Hope you have a joyous 2019.

Until next time,

Marc

Just Another Day

So we are approaching the New Year.

I have heard, on numerous occasions this week, “it’s just another day”, which, to be honest, it really is.

We can review all the historical reasons why a year is what it is, the calendar, etc. but I’d like to think that it really doesn’t matter. This is the construct by which we essentially measure the passage of time, at least in part, and reflect, plan and for some of us, regret the entrance to the following morning.

It’s occurred to me that some who don’t know me really well may read some of my posts and think that I think of myself as some sort of positivity junkie or “glass half full” personality, when in reality, that’s pretty far from my natural set point. After all, I am a stand-up comic. Those two things typically don’t go hand in hand.

That being said, I have found this little practice of gratitude to be pretty damn powerful over the past few years. When I get ready to head to my pity party – for whatever reason – and then take a breath to really let it sink in how incredibly lucky I am, it’s humbling.

You do you. I’ll do me. I have a spectrum of emotions every hour on the hour. I get depressed, anxious, sad and fearful more than most I suspect and at the same time, I also have this thread of wonder of how life just is a trip with no real set itinerary and how cool that could be sometimes.

So what’s the point of all of this? The point is to take a 10 second pause and realize that one day, there won’t be “another day”.

Maybe it’s aging. Maybe it’s too much down time to think. Maybe it’s a mind that won’t stop thinking but I think no day is “just” another day. Really, it’s ANOTHER DAY. It’s another day to choose as scary, intimidating and unrealistic as that may sound.

That’s pretty cool with me. So, yes, New Year’s is maybe another day, like the days that came before it – to choose – but it’s 24 hours that someone else might not be fortunate to have this time around and that’s pretty amazing.

So I hope you have as many great “another days” as possible.

Until next time,

Marc

Milestones

Today was my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. My sister and I had a surprise party for them last month and I posted about that (see below if interested) earlier about what it means to be a witness and how this really came through when thinking about the value of a long-term relationship like that.

But today, I want to acknowledge the importance of milestones. Many of us might not make it to a 50th wedding anniversary. For my parents, this achievement is a testament to a commitment to each other and a dedication to marriage that maybe not many might find themselves the recipients of. And at the same time, it also represents the reality of gratitude that can envelope milestones like this because, let’s face it, there is also an element of fortune involved. (For those who know my mother, a former English teacher, I am not sure she would forgive me for ending one sentence with a proposition and starting the next with a conjunction but hey, this is my blog.)

I don’t mention fortune to take away in any way the hard work and slogging through the day to day required to get to milestones like golden anniversaries. I only mention it to give some of us a little slack – and a little permission to celebrate milestones we are part of, regardless of whether they are 50 years or 50 seconds (withstanding tooth pain, anyone?).

So, what does this actually mean? Well, it’s pretty individual. I know a lot of people – too many people – who are just too hard on themselves for being at a point in their lives where they expected more, they deserve to suffer less, they feel trapped or might feel as if they missed their opportunities in life. The truth is that many of us, maybe all of us, have some of these feelings.

In 2019, I would ask that we each find one milestone to celebrate – with at least one other person – no matter how big or small – losing 5 pounds, paying off that credit card bill, learning to change a tire, signing up for a class, eating vegetarian one day each week or finally donating all those items cluttering your closet to Purple Heart. Just do it and then grab a friend and celebrate- with a hike, a drink, a cappuccino – whatever. Why? Because milestones are markers of progress – where you were and where you are going. Don’t wait 50 years. Start this year and be kind to yourself.

I have friends I am certain will see their 50th wedding anniversary and I am humbled and happy for them. I also have friends that I know will continue to reflect on how to get started – on anything. Starting IS a milestone. And you don’t have to wait 5 decades to do it.

Until next time,

Marc

If you are interested in what I posted about my parent’s anniversary, here you go:

On Sunday, my sister and I had a surprise 50th Anniversary party for my parents – surrounded by 70 plus souls representing decades of family and friends. I had the honor of giving a short speech and shared thoughts I had put together last week to try to capture the emotion of the day: 1. Einstein said that “there are only two ways to live your life: as though nothing is a miracle, or as though everything is a miracle.” and I do believe, even cynical me, that it’s all a miracle – the twists and turns that bring people together over decades to share a moment. 2. My parents have a good marriage because of the nature of understanding what it means to bear witness to someone else’s experience – whether good or bad. After 5 decades, they are able to validate each other’s experiences and witness all that has passed and all that will come to pass.

Maybe not all of us can say the same but I ask that we each honor those special people in our lives that serve as our witnesses. In today’s day and age it’s so easy to lose sight of moments and it’s the moments that, when we take a pause, are almost too overwhelming to take in. But that’s what life is about. I’m really proud of them. It hasn’t been easy and I am very grateful to be a witness to their 50th.

Figuring it out

My son got his first college acceptance yesterday to the University of Pittsburgh. This was a well earned acceptance and he worked for every bit of it.

Of course, I am incredibly proud and grateful for all the factors that helped smooth out any bumps – some of them large ones – along the way to keep this part of his journey moving in such a positive direction.

Not to make this about me, but I haven’t fully processed yet the reality of not seeing him on a daily basis in 8 short months. It is the right thing, for sure – all those well written tomes about the unnaturalness of having a teenage son and his father living together ring true. It’s time for him to start this next chapter of his life and it’s time for me to take a small step toward the next chapter of mine.

That being said, I have been wrestling with this restless feeling since yesterday about this and haven’t quite figured it out – until this morning.

Don’t get me wrong – education is critically important. I would like to impress upon him that education is not confined (nor often even truly represented) by seeing your name on a diploma. I want him to go to college and really find the joy in learning about something that makes him think, debate and feel. I also want him to have those experiences that he will remember for a long time to come – good or bad as long as the bad ones are the type he can laugh about with friends twenty years ago and not the type that change his life forever.

At the same time, I want him to know that it’s ok to not know. It’s ok to be overwhelmed. It’s ok to feel lost or not quite as if you belong. It’s ok to question or to change your mind – again and again and again. I think we live in such a “milestone society” sometimes that we are overly focused on the “end game” and not the game itself. Those of lucky enough to go to college, often graduate with this expectation that “real life” has to start.

It’s all real. I mean – let me be honest – I’m not interested in having my 30 year old live in my basement. We need to work and struggle and figure things out. We need to act. But at the same time, it’s ok to allow ourselves to breathe a bit to figure things out. I am still figuring myself out. The truth is that some people may be figuring things out their whole life.

When we send our kids to college, it is often with the expectation that this is their time to “figure things out”. Yes – there probably is not a better time where you can do so without the added pressures that come along with balancing a job, family, loans etc. (not to say that elements of those don’t make themselves present during school, either). It’s just that it doesn’t have to be so black and white. You can have a job and figure things out at the same time. You can have a relationship and figure things out at the same time. You can raise a family and still figure things out as you go. In fact, how else does this really happen?

I would love for my son to go to college with the expectation that in four years, he will develop his ability to ask more questions rather than set the expectation that he has all the answers. I see this at work every day – and quite frankly, even outside of work – this propensity for always having an answer or opinion to something. What is wrong with saying “I don’t know – I need to think about it”? I know if we had more of that, we would have more valuable conversations and a lot less divisiveness.

So, my hope for him is that he enters college with the mind of the warrior entering the unknown and he exits it with the mind of the warrior entering the unknown – but with more passion and skills to figure it out.

Until next time,

Marc

2019 & A GIFT RECEIPT TO RETURN MY THOUGHTS

Every year around this time I have a moment where I think about the thoughts that I have going into the new year. And this time around, all I can say is that my main thought is to not have any.

Though completely unrealistic, let me try to explain.

I don’t know about you, but at the start of every new year, regardless of whether I want to admit it or not, I fall back into the same pattern – reflect on the past year, think about the next. These thoughts rarely help with depression and anxiety. I can certainly make a list of all that I have to be thankful for when looking back at 2018. Truth is, this should be a daily exercise rather than some annual reminder that “I’m still alive and hey, it ain’t so bad.”

I could also easily make a list of what I have to look forward to in 2019. Every year I do exactly that – some sort of goals list that never really gets accomplished and only really makes me feel bad when I use it for the reflective part of the exercise that awaits me twelve months later. This is what I like to call my “anxiety loop of despair” which is a pretty catchy name if I do say so myself.

I am not saying that reflection is bad. I’m not saying that goal setting is futile. I have no idea how to manage my own “journey” let alone begin to pretend to give advice for anyone else. What I do know – with a little, ok a lot, of help from reading, meditation, and therapy, is that thinking is not all it’s cracked up to be.

If I could simply reflect back on 2018 and say “hey, not so bad – you still had people that loved you, experiences that you could learn from, good or bad, and a bit of fun along the way”, I think that would be enough. If I could look toward 2019 and simply say “my goal is to keep on moving – I am literally just going to do my best – physically, spiritually and emotionally – then the personal and professional will fall where it is meant to, regardless of my “hopes and dreams”, then that would be great.

The problem is that this doesn’t happen. Not for me at least. Those thoughts are accompanied by a caravan (is that still an ok word to use?) of other thought passengers that insist on a ride along. Thoughts like “you’re getting too old to (fill in the blank)” and “what did you really accomplish last year” and “I think I’m being left behind in (another fill in the blank option for all those playing at home.)

This is why my thoughts for heading into the New Year are simple – to not have any, or rather, treat them as someone else’s thoughts.

Are we are thoughts? I don’t know – the verdict is out. What I have come to believe is that we are when we don’t see them for what they are clearly. Some people like to explain that the power of positive thinking can lead to amazing results. I agree that positive thinking has its place. However, this negates the fact that no one is just one type of thinker. Sure, your set point may be way more optimistic than mine – in fact, I almost guarantee it. That doesn’t necessarily make you immune to difficult thoughts and feelings.

So, again, my verdict is that you are your thoughts only to the extent you allow them to be. I have a lot of work to do here and my fear is that I’ll never be a black belt. I’d settle for orange at this point.

Our lives are not a series of Facebook posts and they are not a series of thoughts – unless we choose for them to be. So, if you’re with me, I wish for you a relatively thoughtless 2019 and then we can really see how far we’ve come when we look back in 2020 – if we want to that is.

Until next time,

Marc

Womb

I dreamt we all caught the pregnants

It lasted for 9 weeks instead of 9 months

It changed everything

People spoke slower

Someone rubbed my tummy

No one cared who I voted for

For 1,512 hours everything slowly melted

I nurtured

You

Nurtured

Me

And that seed inside

It was weird

It was amazing

and

On the sixty-third day

The sun was a different type of warmth

Like a slow roast

Just a bit too hot

But not enough to head inside

The sweat dew fell from our brows

In unison

We bore a chasm that wasn’t there before

And as the dusk crawled to cover us

We didn’t know

About tomorrow

This is love, yo (a Poem for my kids – but not yet)

I recently posted this to twitter and reposting it in an easier-to-read format.

I wrote this about being a dad to two teenagers. Maybe you’ll recognize something familiar.

This is love, yo

Me on the chair

Reading a book

With you at the water’s edge

It’s ok

Pretend

I am a stranger

Yes, you may be too old for this

Me, too

But this is how it has to be for now

One and three quarters eyes on the page

A quarter on the base of your feet

The only thing I can see in the bottom periphery

As I try to maintain attention

On the biography I am reading

Because this is love, yo

And certain to the touch

Is the odd teenage reaction

Of bending your neck so I may receive the back of your head

Sweaty, matted hair

As a surrogate hug to say good night

I will continue to comment

“Is that all I get?
Because this is love, yo

Encapsulated by a love that is beyond romance

As if it existed before you were born

Before I was born

When the universe was born

Streaming through our bloodstreams

Like quarks and stardust

Crossing paths again

For the first time

In 7 billion years

Because this is love, yo

That maybe only a parent can understand

Though understanding is a falsehood

Does an addict understand the pull of the drug?

Does a mother goose understand the urge to attack an innocent runner

Passing by knowing that

Time is finite?

This is love, yo

And when I pull up that phone for a photo

For the thousandth time

I know the rolling eyes

And guttural objections

Are only a way of expressing what is a disturbance in your day

And painstakingly

Here you are

Because I had to only endure a slight glance at a camera with a flash

That my mom never adjusted as I grew taller

For a handful of photos that all ended at my bottom lip

And now I can’t help but chronicle every glimpse in passing

Though a smile from you in just one of them

May cut down on my need

This is love, yo

And when the trying turns to hope

And the talking turns to prayer

And the seeing turns to memory

All we have is what we had

And all we had is what we were

To each other

Me to you

You to me

Us to each other

Because this is love, yo

Politics, Lawns and Deep Space

There are three things that have been swirling around the brain space today. They all seem pretty innocuous but they all keep dancing around each other as if they belong in some way – like ingredients to a stir-fry or witnesses to a crime that each saw only one part of it.

Or it could be nothing.

1. I posted a question on Twitter and Facebook: “Just one serious questions for Trump supporters – is there anything he could say or do that would cross a line for you?”
2. I finished a TED Radio Hour Podcast, “Peering Into Space”.
3. I mowed my lawn while listening to Spotify.

Let’s start with answering the “why” for each of the above:

1. I just need to know. I have a good friend (among others) who voted for the guy. I actually get it. I even can accept it though I don’t agree. I just can’t accept the behavior of this person any longer. There has to be a threshold even for supporters, no?
2. I have been intrigued, fascinated, mesmerized and overwhelmed by space exploration since I started writing NASA letters as a kid to get cool glossy, planetary photos back.
3. It was time and I had to cut the grass before the rain fell and music makes it go faster.

Now, the deeper insights – what did I learn?

1. Out of over 1,000 “friends” on Facebook, not one answer relative to the question. Is this such an unsafe topic that we are now a society that can’t stand up against something without fear of compromising how we will look to others? Do we not have enough confidence to separate the man from the party and call it what it is? Are we now at a point where we can’t admit maybe we got part of it wrong without feeling like a failure? I learned that, sadly, we are.
2. Jill Tarter, astronomer discussed our “common cosmic origins “, the bond among all living things, regardless of birth place (on this Earth or otherwise), that makes us part of a “billion year lineage of wandering stardust…an intimate connection with the cosmos”. Consider that the molecule of hemoglobin in your blood which equates to a significant amount of iron was created in nucleosynthesis inside a massive star that exploded about 8 billion years ago! As she put it, “we have the remains of a stellar explosion in our veins (and)… if we got that concept in our minds….and take a few moments in our day to take a step back…earth is one tiny planet in corner of one small galaxy in one big universe – all of us are the same.”
3. I can’t listen or explore new playlists when distracted – by loud mower engines or even louder thoughts. This was the goal but I reverted to my own playlist instead of a new one, which I listened to after I was done so I could give it my full attention, like days gone by where people used to actually sit and listen to an entire record while reading the lyrics for the album sleeve, and nothing more.

So what? Is there a connection?

Yes. I can’t stand living in such a myopic world where taking sides is the new “can’t we all get along”? Whether you want to believe it or not, we really are all connected. If, like a good (or not so good) Will Smith movie, Earth was going to be attacked by another alien society, we would not be Democrats and Republicans, or Americans or Syrians, we would just be Earthlings. It sounds silly but it’s true. This is why banding together to protect this place from environmental damage should be a no brainer and yet we divert to what is easy, what is based in fear and what has nothing to do with the connected stardust coursing through our veins.

And we have to start somewhere. We can’t bring our own playlist with us every time there is an uncomfortable situation, discussion or person in our midst. It deserves our full attention and this takes work and time, patience and listening. That’s all this nonsense is really about – different playlists that we hold on to because we feel it defines ourselves and we have to identify with it. I don’t like some of my son’s playlists (though it has introduced me to a new vocabulary) but they are his and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect that I have my own. In the end, we both love music.

Can’t we be the same with our individual social, economic, cultural and personal playlists? After all, we are just one tiny planet in one small galaxy in an enormous universe. We better get on the same page soon because we have bigger things coming our way – like asteroids, comets and unruly lawns.

Until next time,

Marc