Wake me when it’s over.

18 02 2015

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I may be aging myself here but what the hell.

I remember decades ago watching “30 Something”. One of the main characters, Nancy, was going through treatments for cancer. In once scene, I forget – she may have been speaking with a therapist – she was describing those first few hazy moments when she is transitioning from sleep to a waking state. She described those first few minutes when she is not aware of her present situation (basically forgets about having cancer) and then describes the feeling that comes forth when she comes to full consciousness and realizes that everything is not ok.

Don’t ask me why I remember this scene at all. I have no idea. I think I was still a teenager at that point. I just recall how poignant that was because it is something that I have definitely experienced and suspect most of us have, particularly when dealing with a long-term, stressful situation.

Going through something unpleasant can tear you down for good or it can build you back up stronger than before. It is cliche but it is true – read any great comeback story or novel. For me, I am working extra hard to build a stronger foundation than I had before – whether it is for my relationships, work, comedy or most importantly, the way in which I process thoughts.

Mornings are tough for me. I don’t know why but I have this weird and annoying thing where I run through all the things in my mind that have to get done and then hit the ground running, as if it is some sort of race, to get it all done before lunch time. When I am first waking up, it feels pretty good and for the most part, I can look forward to the day until reality sets in that with respect to that one stressful black cloud looming over me, the day can take a turn and twist in a direction that I have no control over. I know that it will end – some day and it will get better – some day, but the anxiety of not knowing when that day is is something that is difficult for me.

Even when I was going to graduate school part-time, while working, raising kids, finding money to pay for it, etc., at least I had an idea of how many years it would take so I had a goal to work toward. In contrast to that, however, with this “black cloud”, there is no end date and it just gets worse before it gets better (though I know it will).

That’s where meditation has really helped. As I mentioned before in previous blog posts, I am not even sure if I am truly meditating, but I have been doing a 6 phase mediation from an app called “Omvana” and I really do feel much better in the morning to take on the day. It also really helps me focus the anxiety away from the unknown future to the aspirational future that I can work toward.

There is a lot of talk about being happier. It’s strange. I just got my latest edition of “Outdoor” magazine today and what is the cover article about? You guessed it – how to be happier. I am finding out the hard way, that happiness really does start within and it’s all a state of mind. I really do hope I have a half of a life yet to live because something tells me it’s going to take me at least that long to get where I’m trying to go.

Until next time,

Marc








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